I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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