the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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