It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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