There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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