the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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