Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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