I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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