somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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