He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
