I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
