Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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