I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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