I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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