I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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