Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
