I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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