What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm too high and old for this...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
