3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
