Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize