I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
