i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
