Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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