My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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