Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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