I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize