you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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