sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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