I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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