i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
where are you?
Hypothermia
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize