There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
