Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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