I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
