i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
