my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
where are you?
Hypothermia
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
