I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
