One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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