On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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