I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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