Barsexuality is the new black.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
