Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
