The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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