Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
