you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
