You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
