I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
