He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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