Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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