my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
