the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
