i permit you to call me
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
