She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
