Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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