YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
