Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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