the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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