dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
